Thursday, October 29, 2009

losing control.

"Quod me nutrit me destruit"
What nourishes me also destroys me

I lost control.

I'm so sorry for being absent for the past week or so. One little temptation pushes me off my cliff of control, and I crash into the rocks of indulgence below. It's been a disgusting long weekend.

I'd been planning to start getting ahold of myself yesterday...or today...or tomorrow. And now I am back officially thanks to some serious self-hatred and debilitating embarrassment.

I saw a picture.

I saw a picture of myself from that fateful day when I ran around town eating anything and everything, which led me to start this bog the very next day.

You guys, I am absolutely mortified. I can't even try to put it into words. I am just absolutely mortified. I look in the mirror, and I hate it, but why are pictures always a million times worse?

I just attacked my arm with scissors. It felt good. It stings so good. It's a lot. The most I've ever done. I want to bleed, as weird as that is. I want to bleed. I am so angry with myself. I need punishment.

Along with bleeding, I want to fast for a while. I don't really know how long, but basically right now I just want to eat to survive. I hate myself and I need to restrict. Why do we do it? Why do we do it, girls? It's not like we enjoy the binges, or even think they taste that good. I didn't enjoy any of the food I put in my mouth this week. I hated it and myself with every chew.

I'm so sad. So angry. So disappointed in myself. I'm taking some action and trying to figure out what the next step will be. I'm already on anti-depressants, but I need more help, even after my doctor increased my dose for the third? time. I'm thinking about a mood-stabilizer to stimulate the anti-depressants even more, but I've told my doctor that I will have a fucking breakdown if the new meds make me gain weight. I just won't be able to deal with it. So I'm leaning toward Lamictal rather than Lithium, as I've heard it is not as common to gain weight while taking it as it is with Lithium. In fact, some people lose weight. Okay, kk, let's not get ahead of ourself here...

Do you know anything about Lamictal or Lithium? Ever taken either of them, or know someone who has? Would absolutely love to hear anything.

The other part of this whole thing is figuring out what to do about school. I've thought about taking a semester off, but I just don't want to graduate later than I planned to - I want to get school over with as soon as I can. Perhaps I can look into doing something so that I can graduate a semester early. I've just got to get out of here. I'm burnt out on academia. I've been in school since I was three, when does it end?!?!?!?

I've got to catch up on all of your blogs, and I am very much looking forward to it. I need your brilliant words of inspiration and encouragement. I've missed you all very much. Very, very much. Even when I'm not blogging, I'm thinking about this family constantly. I love you.



  1. control is relative.
    you can get it back anytime you decide and most of the time you have an opportunity to change things.
    i have nothing on Lamictal or Lithium .. although i do know about cutting and feel for you. that sensation of direct impulse to self-harm never goes away (at least not for me) but i have to be more cautious since my hubby has direct access to my naked body daily. (HAHAHHA).
    stay strong & focused on your goals love.


  2. Hi kk,
    So sorry about the sissors, although i am certianly no stranger to cutting...please try to be kinder to yourself.
    i take Cymbalta, which is supposedly weight neutral...has it been suggested to you?
    Just found your blog....thanks so much!

  3. Have you tried Yoga? Its amazing for long, toned muscles its a slowly but surely kind of thing. You have great initiative and setting goals are the steps. I'm pulling for you! :)