Monday, October 12, 2009

the beginning.

Call me kk.

I've been browsing through all of your pages the past couple of days, and they have inspired me to start documenting my own struggle with weight. This online community of support is empowering and inspiring. Thank you all!

I have struggled with my weight since high school, but it really kicked into high gear when I got to college. I gained that infamous freshman fifteen (though it was probably more like freshman thirty), and felt absolutely disgusting. I had always been uncomfortable with my body (I don't think I could name one time I wore short sleeves in high school), even though looking back, I was pretty lean. I was always the tallest; the giant, the huge one, taller than all of the girls...and the boys too. I've always been glad to be tall, but nevertheless, it has cast a shadow of "different" over me through my entire life. Sometimes I wish I could share clothes with other girls, try on the display shoe, look up at a boy. So once college rolled around and my weight rose, I felt severely self-conscious. Now I was tall. And fat. The summer after my freshman year I felt so mortified about my body, that I constantly binged until I ached. But I didn't purge. I have tried for years to make myself throw up, and I have never been successful. I don't know if I just don't have the gag-reflex or what, but I have continually tried and failed at purging.

After that fatefully fat summer, my weight ballooned. I didn't recognize myself. I lost my naturally protruding hip bones to a layer of fat. My once-present collarbones disappeared. The flat, firm stomach I was well known for went into hiding. And I had chins. Plural. Needless to say, it was horrible.

I have been a yo-yo dieter for several years now, but have failed to ever really achieve success with my weight. At the end of my second year of college last year, I plummeted into the depths of depression, and completely lost my appetite (dare I say it was great?). I dropped a lot of weight just because I could not force anything inside of my mouth, and then I started getting off on it. I continued to restrict my diet for the rest of the semester, even when my appetite began to reappear. And during the last week of classes, I began to exercise obsessively everyday. I collected a stash of adderall (prescription cocaine, in my mind) from students dealing it on campus, and popped one or two everyday before the gym. I would workout for hours. One time I pushed myself so hard, with just an apple and a couple of adderall in my stomach, that I vomited next to the bike I was pedaling on.

I cleaned up my barf and got back on for another hour.

Eating so meagerly and exercising so drastically delivered some nice results, although I wanted even more. I don't exactly how much I lost, but I must have dropped 10 pounds in the first couple of weeks thanks to my absent appetite, and probably a total around 25 by the start of this summer.

Silly me, thinking I could commit to my new regime for the long summer months. I started out well; I didn't eat much during the day, went to the gym as often as I could, and ate grilled chicken, vegetables, and whole grains for dinner. Those dreamy days didn't last long. Once I started my job again, I just couldn't manage exercise on top of my long days. And then I would feel so bad, that even on my off days I couldn't face the gym. I have learned that I am an absolute all-or-nothing girl. If I am going to diet, I am going to die doing it. If I'm not watching what I'm eating, I have no control and I can't resist anything. There has never been any in between. Which is horrible, but for now, it is who I am, and I think I need to accept it.

So the summer wasn't as horrible as the one before, where I would eat a quart of gelato in one sitting, but I definitely fell off my course. It has been more than two years of extreme self and body-hatred now, and I really can't remember the feeling of satisfaction with my body. In fact, I have been consistently horrified by my body for the past two years, and strongly uncomfortable with it for my whole life. My body embarrasses me, limits me, prohibits me, and sickens me. But this time I want to control it for good. My body is not the boss. And I can choose the fate of my weight. This time around, my journey has been very much inspired by all of you with similar struggles detailed on your websites and blogs. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your inspiration. Thank you for your motivation.

Although I have embarked on many a diet in the past, searching the internet for like-minded girls the past few days has sparked a new fire, a new commitment. That, and two days ago I spent the day with my best friend and his family eating all over town. I got home, and was in pain for the next five hours until I finally fell asleep at 5am. It marked the end of indulgence and the beginning of a real commitment to control.

I am brand-new to blogging, and was hesitant to start my own, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how healing and therapeutic it was to read all of your posts and how rewarding it would be to start writing myself. So here I am. Thanks to you. Please leave any comments if you'd like to, I'd love to hear from you. I look forward to being a part of this community and sharing my experiences with you. I am determined to put these body struggles behind me and reach my goals this time. For my own sanity, I have to. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my body.

Lots of love,
kk

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful first post. I can relate to so much of it I don't know where to begin.

    You can do this! We can do this.

    Like you, I'm an all or nothing girl. It's hell when I'm eating and heaven when I'm not. The reason I fast is because it is better for me to just not eat all day then try to have a bunch of little meals. Even on the days that I do eat I wait to eat right before I go to bed. I know that sounds crazy because they say you shouldn't eat late but if I eat any earlier then I won't stop until bed time anyway. Yeah, I have issues. :)

    Sorry for rambling about myself. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone!

    xox
    A

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  2. I was looking up pictures of Chanel iman, who is gorgous but far to skinny, and came across this sight. Seeing it, I wanted to cry. I have struggled with anerexia and now that i am happy a heathly and i feel beautiful, but it hurts me to know so many people are where I once was at is sad to me. Starving yourselves is not the way to go. You wil lose muscle and you can eventually die. Trying to be something ur body is not suppose to be is not healthy. Thin is not in healthy is in. I am not trying to be rude, but you guys need some help.

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