Friday, October 16, 2009

10.16 daily totals & a smalltime binge.

It's amazing how horrible we all feel when we eat that one extra cracker, those two bites of chocolate, those few unplanned grapes. We are so weird. We are so beautiful.

I started off great, and then I just got bored so I started snacking. What I had wasn't bad, but in true ana fashion, I am plagued with anger and hatred and disgust toward myself. I feel heavy and gross. I'm a lazy fatty. These past few days have gone by so slowly. I have no spark and no happiness. The only joy I get is from starving myself. Everything else is a miserable bother. I have no desire to socialize, and when I do go out, I count down the minutes until I can go back home and wallow in my safe depression with Ana. School is a dreadful chore. For the first time in my life it is genuinely not interesting to me to do well in my academics. I have missed classes and ignored readings and lied my way out of absences. Dragging myself to play practice is painful, and the rehearsals that were once fun and stimulating and a chance to escape are now just boring to-dos. Classic depression, huh.

I watched West Side Story earlier today (weird I know, but I hadn't seen it before) and I just couldn't get over Maria's song, "I Feel Pretty." Seriously, girls, it is the most bizarre song.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so
I feel prett
y and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the
pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that
attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

Can you imagine? Feeling PRETTY? In a...(gulp)... MIRROR?! The horror.

I'm gonna try to get over my minor league binge and hopefully get to the gym tomorrow morning. I'm so bored with my life. And more than that, I'm depressed and scared and angry at my life. And at myself. Gonna take my mind off shit and watch something that makes me laugh. 30 Rock always takes my mind off of things. Love it.

Oh yeah, and before I go, an estimate of my daily totals since I just don't care to know what I consumed today :

passionberry bliss Kombucha : 70 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
tablespoon of peanut butter : 100 calories
strawberry jam : who knows
dried mango slices : 200?
more brown rice cakes : fat
more peanut butter : fat
more strawberry jam : fat
orange juice : fat
total : fuck me

Thank god I didn't have normal people food in the apartment. Then I really would have done some damage.


Love to you all,


  1. Well the food that you actually binged with is really great, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. And yes, I'm just gradually coming out of this same depressing fog so I know how you feel. Just stay strong, though, and know that we are all here for you.

  2. You've had a good week overall kk. Take a deep breath, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You are going to lose the weight for sure. I just went through a long bout of depression and it does suck but I promise that it will pass. We are here for you and send you love. Hang in there!