It's amazing how horrible we all feel when we eat that one extra cracker, those two bites of chocolate, those few unplanned grapes. We are so weird. We are so beautiful.
I started off great, and then I just got bored so I started snacking. What I had wasn't bad, but in true ana fashion, I am plagued with anger and hatred and disgust toward myself. I feel heavy and gross. I'm a lazy fatty. These past few days have gone by so slowly. I have no spark and no happiness. The only joy I get is from starving myself. Everything else is a miserable bother. I have no desire to socialize, and when I do go out, I count down the minutes until I can go back home and wallow in my safe depression with Ana. School is a dreadful chore. For the first time in my life it is genuinely not interesting to me to do well in my academics. I have missed classes and ignored readings and lied my way out of absences. Dragging myself to play practice is painful, and the rehearsals that were once fun and stimulating and a chance to escape are now just boring to-dos. Classic depression, huh.
I watched West Side Story earlier today (weird I know, but I hadn't seen it before) and I just couldn't get over Maria's song, "I Feel Pretty." Seriously, girls, it is the most bizarre song.
Oh yeah, and before I go, an estimate of my daily totals since I just don't care to know what I consumed today :
passionberry bliss Kombucha : 70 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
tablespoon of peanut butter : 100 calories
strawberry jam : who knows
dried mango slices : 200?
more brown rice cakes : fat
more peanut butter : fat
more strawberry jam : fat
orange juice : fat
total : fuck me
Thank god I didn't have normal people food in the apartment. Then I really would have done some damage.
Love to you all,