Saturday, October 31, 2009

your recommendations.

Hello lovers,

I have some questions for all of you. I'd love to know your recommendations for diet pills and laxies. What are the best out there? Which ones have you used? What has worked the best for you?

Last year I took Zantrex for a while, and I do believe it worked. The annoying thing about it was that you had to take it with food for it to work (even just a little food, but still), and I had to be careful when taking it because it could make me feel sick. But it did help me shed some pounds.

The best diet pill I've taken is illegal. It's Clenbuterol - you know, the steroid used to treat asthma in horses that Rachel Zoe has been accused of giving to her ultra-thin clientele. Clen is pretty amazing. I've used it off and on since high school, and it really does seem to kick-start your metabolism and help you drop weight quickly without losing muscle mass. I'd never had any trouble ordering it, until last year when I purchased a large order and it didn't come. The website claims that if you don't get your order in 30 days, they will give you your money back, but they never did. I sent out e-mail after e-mail alerting them to my no-show drugs, and never heard one word back. Finally, after several months, a package came in the mail, a
nd sure enough, my horse pills had arrived! It was really weird, and I'd spent a lot of money on the order, so I've been hesitant to order them again from this same website. I don't know though, maybe I'll look into it again. I have a small handful of pills left from the last time, so I think I'm going to start taking those soon, and then we'll see if I want to get some more.

I'm a big fan of Adderall as well. I love taking it before I go to the gym - I can just go and go and go. It knocks out your appetite, and gives you a great buzz. I've been really trying to manipulate a prescription out of a doctor for a long time, but so far I haven't been successful. I've got a stash right now, and I can buy them on campus from students, but they charge a lot of $$$ and I just want my own supply.

The only laxies I've used are generic drugstore brand, and they take a long time to kick into action. Usually 12 hours or more. I took some last night, about 15 hours ago, and I haven't made any trips to the bathroom. What the hell.

I so wish I could get my little paws on some coke. I did it a few times in high school and I fucking loved it. I don't even know where to begin to try and find some now, and I've been dying to get some for years. It's not really the type of thing you can just go around asking for... fucking drug stigmas. Ha.

So, my little gumdrops, I'd love to hear your suggestions. What diet pills have you used? What gave you good results? Side-effects? Ever used QuickTrim, the new pills Kim and Khloe Kardashian have been promoting? How about laxatives? Which ones work quickly and effectively? And when do you take them: before your binge or after? I'd really love to hear from everyone! Drop me a line, say hello, whether you are a follower or not! Absolutely no judgements here - whether you've dabbled in over-the-counter, prescription, online, street, or illegal goodies.

Love to you all, kk

Thursday, October 29, 2009

losing control.

"Quod me nutrit me destruit"
What nourishes me also destroys me

I lost control.

I'm so sorry for being absent for the past week or so. One little temptation pushes me off my cliff of control, and I crash into the rocks of indulgence below. It's been a disgusting long weekend.

I'd been planning to start getting ahold of myself yesterday...or today...or tomorrow. And now I am back officially thanks to some serious self-hatred and debilitating embarrassment.

I saw a picture.

I saw a picture of myself from that fateful day when I ran around town eating anything and everything, which led me to start this bog the very next day.

You guys, I am absolutely mortified. I can't even try to put it into words. I am just absolutely mortified. I look in the mirror, and I hate it, but why are pictures always a million times worse?

I just attacked my arm with scissors. It felt good. It stings so good. It's a lot. The most I've ever done. I want to bleed, as weird as that is. I want to bleed. I am so angry with myself. I need punishment.

Along with bleeding, I want to fast for a while. I don't really know how long, but basically right now I just want to eat to survive. I hate myself and I need to restrict. Why do we do it? Why do we do it, girls? It's not like we enjoy the binges, or even think they taste that good. I didn't enjoy any of the food I put in my mouth this week. I hated it and myself with every chew.

I'm so sad. So angry. So disappointed in myself. I'm taking some action and trying to figure out what the next step will be. I'm already on anti-depressants, but I need more help, even after my doctor increased my dose for the third? time. I'm thinking about a mood-stabilizer to stimulate the anti-depressants even more, but I've told my doctor that I will have a fucking breakdown if the new meds make me gain weight. I just won't be able to deal with it. So I'm leaning toward Lamictal rather than Lithium, as I've heard it is not as common to gain weight while taking it as it is with Lithium. In fact, some people lose weight. Okay, kk, let's not get ahead of ourself here...

Do you know anything about Lamictal or Lithium? Ever taken either of them, or know someone who has? Would absolutely love to hear anything.

The other part of this whole thing is figuring out what to do about school. I've thought about taking a semester off, but I just don't want to graduate later than I planned to - I want to get school over with as soon as I can. Perhaps I can look into doing something so that I can graduate a semester early. I've just got to get out of here. I'm burnt out on academia. I've been in school since I was three, when does it end?!?!?!?

I've got to catch up on all of your blogs, and I am very much looking forward to it. I need your brilliant words of inspiration and encouragement. I've missed you all very much. Very, very much. Even when I'm not blogging, I'm thinking about this family constantly. I love you.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

chanel iman.

I am absolutely obsessed with model Chanel Iman. She's only 19, and she is absolutely gorrrrrgeous. She is built like a little twig, her walk is fierce, and she can completely transform her look for whatever designer she is working for. Can we talk about her legs?!?! And her arms and her collarbones and her waist and everything!!!! She is my current thinspiration obsession.

I'll keep updating this with more Chanel Iman photos when I have time to look for some. I hope you all are having a good week! Things have been fine over here, not much to report. The weight feels like it is dropping slowly, but I think it will go a little faster soon (I hope). I can see some slight slight changes and I've dropped a couple pounds, but boy, I have a long way to go. I'm excited though. The results are so worth it.

Love to you all, kk

Monday, October 19, 2009

10.19 daily totals.

passionberry bliss Kombucha : 70 calories
kashi bar : 140 calories
2 brown rice cakes : 140 calories
2 tablespoons of peanut butter : 200 calories
total : 550

Sunday, October 18, 2009

10.18 daily totals

low-fat yogurt : 150 calories
2 brown rice cakes : 140 calories
2 tablespoons of peanut butter : 200 calories
dried mango slices : 150
total : 640 calories

Saturday, October 17, 2009

10.17 daily totals.

orange juice : 150 calories
3 brown rice cakes : 210 calories
tablespoon of peanut butter : 100 calories
low-fat yogurt : 150 calories
total : 610 calories

I hate that 600 calories is a lot to me. 500 is good. 300 is better. 100 is great. 0 is fantastic. Negative 600, that's what I want. Bahhh!!! I guess 610 isn't that bad, is it?

I feel like these first few weeks of October have inched by. I'm looking forward to reaching the end of this month, and then on to November! Hey, FAT, hurry up and get to gettin'!

With love, kk

a small dose of thinspiration.

Didn't gain anything from last night - thank you Ana! Right now I'm at 181.4. Looking forward to getting down to the 170s! This week - it WILL happen!

I really want to get some thinspo pics up, but I just haven't had time lately to add to my current collection. So here's just a few.

I'll post some better collections soon, promise! Love you all very much. We're on our way!!!

Love, kk

Friday, October 16, 2009

10.16 daily totals & a smalltime binge.

It's amazing how horrible we all feel when we eat that one extra cracker, those two bites of chocolate, those few unplanned grapes. We are so weird. We are so beautiful.

I started off great, and then I just got bored so I started snacking. What I had wasn't bad, but in true ana fashion, I am plagued with anger and hatred and disgust toward myself. I feel heavy and gross. I'm a lazy fatty. These past few days have gone by so slowly. I have no spark and no happiness. The only joy I get is from starving myself. Everything else is a miserable bother. I have no desire to socialize, and when I do go out, I count down the minutes until I can go back home and wallow in my safe depression with Ana. School is a dreadful chore. For the first time in my life it is genuinely not interesting to me to do well in my academics. I have missed classes and ignored readings and lied my way out of absences. Dragging myself to play practice is painful, and the rehearsals that were once fun and stimulating and a chance to escape are now just boring to-dos. Classic depression, huh.

I watched West Side Story earlier today (weird I know, but I hadn't seen it before) and I just couldn't get over Maria's song, "I Feel Pretty." Seriously, girls, it is the most bizarre song.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so
I feel prett
y and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the
pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that
attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

Can you imagine? Feeling PRETTY? In a...(gulp)... MIRROR?! The horror.

I'm gonna try to get over my minor league binge and hopefully get to the gym tomorrow morning. I'm so bored with my life. And more than that, I'm depressed and scared and angry at my life. And at myself. Gonna take my mind off shit and watch something that makes me laugh. 30 Rock always takes my mind off of things. Love it.

Oh yeah, and before I go, an estimate of my daily totals since I just don't care to know what I consumed today :

passionberry bliss Kombucha : 70 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
tablespoon of peanut butter : 100 calories
strawberry jam : who knows
dried mango slices : 200?
more brown rice cakes : fat
more peanut butter : fat
more strawberry jam : fat
orange juice : fat
total : fuck me

Thank god I didn't have normal people food in the apartment. Then I really would have done some damage.


Love to you all,

Thursday, October 15, 2009

10.15 daily totals.

Had a rough night last night. I have been taking Ambien for sleep the past week or so (LOVE it, by the way - right before you fall asleep you get high out of your mind and drift off into dreamland), but decided to try sleeping without it last night. When 5am rolled around and I still hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, I figured I should stop trying to fight the impending all-nighter and just realize that I was not going to get any sleep before my 9am class. I got up, cleaned my room, and of course, since I was still awake, my tummy wanted some attention. But I am pleased because I very much kept it under control. I listened to my body and gave it what it needed, nothing more. I had 5 slices of dried mango, which only came to 110 calories, and a rice cake at 70 calories. I am really thrilled I was able to be conscious while I was eating and pay attention to every bite (and enjoy it too!). After a small amount of solid calories the day before, and needing some sustenance at 5am, I think I did pretty well at 180 calories. The tossing and turning probably burned it all off anyway :).

As the sun rose and kissed the sky with an electric pink light, I drifted off to sleep. I figured this would be like a "nap" before my two-hour 9am class, and then my 11am class following right after. But by the time the alarm went off... I think you know where this story is going.

So I skipped the two morning classes, and woke up just in time to realize that I couldn't even make it to my third class of the day because of an intense migraine (thanks Aunt Flow!). So fuck. I missed all of my classes today. Is it bad that I don't really care?

Calories today have continued to be good. I keep thinking I should go eat something, but I am not hungry, so I am staying awayyyy from the kitchen. Here's what I've had so far (post my 5am snack-time):

6 almonds : 42 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
1/2 tablespoon of peanut butter : 100 calories
1/2 tablespoon of jam : ? I'm too lazy to figure it out

So in total today including the early morning chomping:

5 slices of dried mango : 110 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
6 almonds : 42 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
1/2 tablespoon of peanut butter : 50 calories
1/2 tablespoon of jam : (I'll figure it out and fill it in later)
total : 342 calories

Might have an apple a little later, we'll see. Hope you all had successful days today.

Thin thoughts,

P.S. Some of you have mentioned the show Supersize vs. Super Skinny, and I checked some clips out on YouTube. So good! Gross, but so good. Any of you know where I can watch full episodes online?

self discipline.

I thought you all might be interested in this.

A few months ago, I stumbled across Los Angeles trainers Gunnar Peterson and Gregg Miele's self discipline website. The concept is great, especially for us: wear the bracelet to help control yourself, whether in regards to food, exercise, thinking, whatever you want to do. Just wearing it is a reminder of the greatest power of your self, and you can snap it if you feel yourself slipping away from your control. Celebrities such as Kim Kardashian support the self discipline bracelet, and I bought two of them this summer. They come in little black packages sealed with an inspirational quote about self control. They are $3.00 each, and you can order them online. The site also has other products with the self discipline design in addition to the black bracelets. Ever since I refueled my desire for thin, I have been wearing my self discipline band to remind myself that I am in control. It is my own personal message to myself, and ladies, so far so good!

Let me know if you end up getting one. I wish you all increased strength and unwavering self discipline - every one of you has more power than you know. Get inspired, get positive, and have faith in yourself. You can do this. So many of us have already found success in our restricting, and you are no different. When you make the decision to succeed, you will succeed.

Love, kk

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

10.14 daily totals.

I'm proud of myself today.

coffee frappuccino : 292 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
brown rice cake : 70 calories
tablespoon of peanut butter : 1oo calories
orange juice : 120 calories
total : 652 calories

Besides the frapp, I did great today. I've only been drinking them these past few days because I have a couple left in the fridge and I just want to get rid of them. In terms of solid food calories, I didn't even reach 250 today. Feels good.

I was going to type up a fatty post tonight. I have so much inside, so much to say. But my thoughts are scattered, and I am trying to collect them from the dirty floors of anxiety.

Think thin, be thin.

Until tomorrow,

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

10.13 daily totals & more.

mocha frappuccino : 256 calories
kashi bar : 140 calories
kashi bar : 140 calories
low-fat yogurt : 160 calories
t o t a l : 696 calories

Ugh, doesn't feel like I'm eating a lot, but I'm disappointed in my numbers. Oh wait, DUHHH it's those dreadful frappuccino things. NO MORE! I'm off to the land of dreams, my favorite place in the world, Whole Foods tomorrow to stock up on some ana-food beauties. Wow. Is it sick that it feels good to call myself ana? So no more frappuccino crappers, I can get back to drinking my one true love: a pretty lady named Kombucha.

My love for Kombucha runs deep. I discovered her tall, glassy frame in May, and have virtually enjoyed one and sometimes two a day ever since. But I will save a Kombucha post for another time.

I'll also be picking up some:
  • brown rice cakes
  • low-fat yogurt
  • more kashi bars
  • fruit!
  • vegetables
  • oats
  • nuts / seeds
  • maybe try some healthy choice & lean cuisine meals? have you all tried these? i've never had the instant microwave meals before, but they seem like a possible option... let me know if you've tried them and what you think
  • orange juice (it is my one guilty pleasure during restrictions - i'm addicted to the oj)
Looking forward to posting some of my coveted thinspirations soon. I'm a little embarrassed that I keep posting so much (it is, after all, only my 2nd day here!), but I hope you don't mind. Furthermore, I hope the few followers I have enjoy what I'm writing! I have tons more posts I am dying to do, but I figure I should pace myself and keep a little mystery... :) Perhaps I have transferred my bingeing habits over to the blogs! I just can't get enough, never satisfied, more, more, more! Thank god you all are zippo calories and I don't have to shove my fingers down my throat afterwards!

You'll be hearing from me (probably too) soon,

relationships with food.

I have a question for all of you lovelies.

There are some diets and eating plans that allow the dieter to eat whatever she chooses for 1 day per week. I've always thought that sounded nice (and definitely appealing), but I feel like if I let myself go for one day, I would have a hard time getting back on schedule. And there is a risk of bingeing on this coveted reward day. Plus, as we all know, ladies, rewards in calories are punishments in thighs! So is that really a "reward" at all? How can I consider calories rewards?! That is one thing I have come to discover about myself; I always work well with rewards for my behavior, and I believe I began to associate food as a type of reward. Oh boy. Deadly. Lots of times I wish I could try some kind of hypnosis therapy or something because it feels like I have this deep, psychological obsession with eating and with food. When I'm not restricting, most of the time I feel powerless to food, and wish so badly I could break my deep connection and reliance on eating. Perhaps if I didn't have such a complicated and dangerous relationship with food, I wouldn't struggle with eating, restricting, etc. If I could just turn off my emotional/behavioral/psychological reliance on eating, I could lose weight much easier without having to fight my body. I could be in a healthy control in life instead of an extreme kind of control. Do any of you also feel your relationship with food is fucked? I envy those who don't obsess about eating, whether it be too much or too little.

Wow, what a tangent from my original question. Okay, back to that. Regardless of the lack of control one might face with a day off from the diet, the other problem is that the precious day-off will not help the sacred weight loss. But I don't know, do you think one day of calories vs. restricted calories really would affect our journey to thin? Might it be good to eat a little more than normal one day a week to up the metabolism and keep it burning at a strong pace?



If you are looking for a little more structure while you restrict your calories, here's a website you might find helpful.

They have more than 250 different diets listed, all of which list pros, cons, and the details of what is required and involved. If some of you are striving to watch your calories but facing difficulty overcoming temptation, you might try looking into an eating plan. This may help relieve any anxiety you are feeling when you are hungry and help you control your eating decisions. Whether you want to start adhering to a set diet, or just want to browse through a few to inspire some new eating ideas and gage your food intake, this website is quite informative.

Please let me know if you found this post helpful! If you take a look at the website, I'd love to hear your impressions on what you found. I thought someone might find it useful, whether she is struggling or not. Please let me know what you think, good or bad!

Love as always,

small triumphs.

Good god, I just can't get enough of this new blogging. Or of you girls.

I have fantastic news amidst several days that have been quite dumpy.

I bought a scale today, and weighed myself.

I had estimated that I was around 190, which was absolutely mortifying, especially since I was heavier this past year, leading me to conclude that at some point I had probably said hello to 200 and some of her friends.

But I weighed myself.

182.7 pounds.

I'm thrilled. Well, thrilled is a bit strong. But I'm pleased. I guess I had really just overestimated, and so now it feels like I've lost more than 7 pounds in 24 hours. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice...ha.

Well anyway, I am excited to be able to make my first change to my stats, even if it is merely due to a numerical error on my part. And although I am in the 180s (barf), I'm in the low 180s, and I'm sure as hell not in the 190s (double barf).

Again, I am just mesmerized by all of your words, darlings. Your posts really have inspired me so much. I feel like this time really will be it. Thank god. And a million thanks for the followers and comments I've been starting to receive - they are so deeply appreciated (and exciting to get!).

I have a feeling this won't be my last post of the day - Blogger and I have begun a romantic affair and you know how those first few days of puppy-love are...

So much love to you all,


I am really enjoying discovering like-minded blogs and reading all about your lives. It really does help knowing we are not alone dealing with this obsession. The thing is, I'm noticing everyone's highest weights, and their current weights, and I'm nervous! Nervous because it makes me think that mostly everyone else is already thin, and is documenting their journey to ultra-thin. I am not thin. I will be thin, but I am not currently thin. I am by no means a whale (although sometimes being tall translates into being big), but I do have a ways to go. My numbers are shocking to some people. My current weight may seem like an enormous number, but on my 5'11" frame, it seems to even out. I don't know. I guess I'm just wishing I were already thinner, as it seems the rest of you are, but I suppose I shouldn't freak the geek out. I have to remember that I am new to this whole blogging thing (this is literally my SECOND day). I have been at lower weights before and struggled with this for a long time, but this is the first time I am reaching out, exposing myself, and connecting with a community of girls with similar stories. I have restricted, obsessed, counted, and controlled in the past, but my current weight has resulted in a self-hatred far too overwhelming. This blog marks my decision to get thin once and for all. I just cannot keep being fat. It restricts my entire life. This time, I will win. This time, I will be thin.

Please help me stay strong, pretties.
xoxoxoxox kk

Monday, October 12, 2009

in search of a scale.

I need a scale. Any suggestions? I've been looking online at BedBath&Beyond, and maybe I will look at Target... any thoughts? I would like it to be precise (don't you hate when you weigh yourself, step off, weigh yourself again, and the damn thing comes up with a different number?!). And I want to be able to see at least one decimal point (i.e. 100.1 rather than just 100). Don't want to spend a fortune, but I'm not looking for a piece of crap either. Comments and suggestions are encouraged!!!

love, kk

Found a basic scale at CVS for $30. It works well and can measure in increments of .1, which is great. Now for a tape measure...

10.11 & 10.12 daily totals.

coffee frappuccino : 292 calories (300 calories in one drink?!? disgusting!!! i have a few more left in the fridge, and then i will be DONE with these bad boys!)
kashi bar : 140 calories
orange juice : 120 calories
t o t a l : 552 calories

coffee frappuccino : 292 calories
kashi bar : 140 calories
kashi bar : 140 calories
low-fat yogurt : 150 calories
t o t a l : 722 calories

20mg adderall
2 hours on the bike : -715 calories

I'll start decreasing my caloric intake as my body once again gets used to consuming less.

love, kk

the beginning.

Call me kk.

I've been browsing through all of your pages the past couple of days, and they have inspired me to start documenting my own struggle with weight. This online community of support is empowering and inspiring. Thank you all!

I have struggled with my weight since high school, but it really kicked into high gear when I got to college. I gained that infamous freshman fifteen (though it was probably more like freshman thirty), and felt absolutely disgusting. I had always been uncomfortable with my body (I don't think I could name one time I wore short sleeves in high school), even though looking back, I was pretty lean. I was always the tallest; the giant, the huge one, taller than all of the girls...and the boys too. I've always been glad to be tall, but nevertheless, it has cast a shadow of "different" over me through my entire life. Sometimes I wish I could share clothes with other girls, try on the display shoe, look up at a boy. So once college rolled around and my weight rose, I felt severely self-conscious. Now I was tall. And fat. The summer after my freshman year I felt so mortified about my body, that I constantly binged until I ached. But I didn't purge. I have tried for years to make myself throw up, and I have never been successful. I don't know if I just don't have the gag-reflex or what, but I have continually tried and failed at purging.

After that fatefully fat summer, my weight ballooned. I didn't recognize myself. I lost my naturally protruding hip bones to a layer of fat. My once-present collarbones disappeared. The flat, firm stomach I was well known for went into hiding. And I had chins. Plural. Needless to say, it was horrible.

I have been a yo-yo dieter for several years now, but have failed to ever really achieve success with my weight. At the end of my second year of college last year, I plummeted into the depths of depression, and completely lost my appetite (dare I say it was great?). I dropped a lot of weight just because I could not force anything inside of my mouth, and then I started getting off on it. I continued to restrict my diet for the rest of the semester, even when my appetite began to reappear. And during the last week of classes, I began to exercise obsessively everyday. I collected a stash of adderall (prescription cocaine, in my mind) from students dealing it on campus, and popped one or two everyday before the gym. I would workout for hours. One time I pushed myself so hard, with just an apple and a couple of adderall in my stomach, that I vomited next to the bike I was pedaling on.

I cleaned up my barf and got back on for another hour.

Eating so meagerly and exercising so drastically delivered some nice results, although I wanted even more. I don't exactly how much I lost, but I must have dropped 10 pounds in the first couple of weeks thanks to my absent appetite, and probably a total around 25 by the start of this summer.

Silly me, thinking I could commit to my new regime for the long summer months. I started out well; I didn't eat much during the day, went to the gym as often as I could, and ate grilled chicken, vegetables, and whole grains for dinner. Those dreamy days didn't last long. Once I started my job again, I just couldn't manage exercise on top of my long days. And then I would feel so bad, that even on my off days I couldn't face the gym. I have learned that I am an absolute all-or-nothing girl. If I am going to diet, I am going to die doing it. If I'm not watching what I'm eating, I have no control and I can't resist anything. There has never been any in between. Which is horrible, but for now, it is who I am, and I think I need to accept it.

So the summer wasn't as horrible as the one before, where I would eat a quart of gelato in one sitting, but I definitely fell off my course. It has been more than two years of extreme self and body-hatred now, and I really can't remember the feeling of satisfaction with my body. In fact, I have been consistently horrified by my body for the past two years, and strongly uncomfortable with it for my whole life. My body embarrasses me, limits me, prohibits me, and sickens me. But this time I want to control it for good. My body is not the boss. And I can choose the fate of my weight. This time around, my journey has been very much inspired by all of you with similar struggles detailed on your websites and blogs. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your inspiration. Thank you for your motivation.

Although I have embarked on many a diet in the past, searching the internet for like-minded girls the past few days has sparked a new fire, a new commitment. That, and two days ago I spent the day with my best friend and his family eating all over town. I got home, and was in pain for the next five hours until I finally fell asleep at 5am. It marked the end of indulgence and the beginning of a real commitment to control.

I am brand-new to blogging, and was hesitant to start my own, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how healing and therapeutic it was to read all of your posts and how rewarding it would be to start writing myself. So here I am. Thanks to you. Please leave any comments if you'd like to, I'd love to hear from you. I look forward to being a part of this community and sharing my experiences with you. I am determined to put these body struggles behind me and reach my goals this time. For my own sanity, I have to. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my body.

Lots of love,